Saturday, October 25, 2008

Splash 10!

By my best guess I am now a double ace at Helicopters VS Kites.

My stats are much lower at Kite VS Kite...

Sure, I do a lot of aviation oriented instruction... but I am also spreading general cultural knowledge and understanding. Thank god I am such a renaissance man and can discuss almost all subjects with authority.

Today's ground training topics:

1) Women's menstrual cycles

Point - Women get a disease every month... they are not clean and you can't touch them. They are dirty during this time.

Counterpoint - True... but amazingly in America it is not against the law to have sex with them during this time. This is what we call in America the "week of blow jobs and advil"

2) Blue Jobs

Point - Blue jobs are very nice! It should be on a schedule! Schedule is very good for man.

Counterpoint - You schedule your blow jobs?

-some discussion passes where it is discovered that "blue jobs" are actually "blow jobs..." and are not the same as penetrating sex... after a brief description of actual blow jobs, I now have a few intrigued but scandalized afghan pilots in front of me. I also told them that it is very polite to your wife if you give your wife the blue job in return to her pussy. (It sounds crass on here, but I have to work with the english words they already know... it got the point across!) I also recommended that everyone involved take showers first! I think that might be vital to everyones enjoyment of blue jobs around here!

3) Tactical Descents into an Unfriendly Area

Point - Lets not circle low and slow over taliban land anymore OK guys?

Counterpoint - Yes...

(we will be practicing this skill more tomorrow in a safer area)

4) Romancing the ladies

Point - Can I tell to American girls, "Make sexy with me!"

Counterpoint - No... that almost never works... you need to make them think it is a good idea first. You know, be romantic!

Point - Can you teach us how to be romantic?

Counterpoint - Yes... Yes I can! Get out your notebooks boys!

5 minutes later...

Counterpoint - No... no I can't... (I gave them the "roses are red, violets are blue..." poem to work with. They will have to figure it out from there.)


Gams said...

do you have a lot of these talks? if so, are the locals usually receptive to what you have to say? i mean, this is heavy-duty-let's-mold-some-minds discush, happenin' here. how amazing it is that you can talk to these men.
ten points, sir.

Notorious said...

These conversations happen all the time. They are pilots... flying and women, what else is there?

I find them very receptive, though in the way middle schoolers are receptive to this sort of thing. Not like in sex-ed class, more like in art class when a conversation happened like this and the art teacher weighs in.

"Hearts and Minds" that is what we are doing here. It maybe that my most significant contribution to the Afghan Air Corp could be the concept of oral sex. I have no doubt that it will be attempted in a few mud brick buildings in Kabul in the next few weeks... "hearts and minds, hearts and minds!"

Broheim said...

Two in the heart, one in the mind... or thats our version, but i can recount many a similar conversation and In a place where sexual knowledge and adventure are subdued it makes sense they want to know more. The iraqis i knew were repulsed by the idea though. Apparently Iraqi women dont do proper maintenance down there. Although we were on an overwatch position and had a car drive up about 200 meters out from us, stop. At first we thought were going to get some action, but this dude and lady hop out, she pulls up the hijab, he dropped trou. he then proceeded to lay her on the hood and go at it. this was great entertainment for us, Although he popped in about 1 minute 30. We had started taking bets how long it would last. Thats how i know. Put their cloths on and left. aside from animals, that is the craziest they get with their sex lives that i saw.

Gams said...

the fact that you used the phrase "down there" has given me fits of nostalgic memory.
in the Vagina Monologues, by Eve Ensler, there is a monologue in which the character is an older woman who refers to her powderbox as "down there." i directed that monoluge EACH TIME we did the show and it NEVER got old to coach actresses on the sheboygan accent. fabulous!
i think you should show the vagina monologues. with subtitles. and then have discussions. yup.

amateur.sophist said...

Dude, I'm glad to see your idea of renaissance topics is essentially a list that includes anything with an engine or vagina. Excellent.

(I don't suppose The Game has been translated in Dari?)

Regardless, you should have just told them you make sexy all weeks of the year and let them imagine you as some odd combination of a god and the devil, but with better facial hair. Though that may already be the case.