Thursday, February 24, 2011

Turbo! The 80's gift to locomotion. Prego! some tomcat's gift to me!

Ladies and gentlemen... Bad news. The Buick is not doing so good. She needs either a new engine or to have her engine rebuilt. I will eventually get to that, but in the mean time, I need a dang way to get to work.

I know what you are thinking, "Nick! You have so many awesome vehicles! Can't you just take a different one to work?"

The answer, "Yes I can... but most of the reasonable and practical ways I have to get to work are also disassembled with all their nubile bits all over the shop in boxes." (it happens) None of them are a weekend a way from drivable to work.

Obviously the answer lays on Craig's list! Maybe there is another cheap boat that I can roll. They are in every back yard around here!

Well, indeed there were many cheap boats that I could roll... unfortunately I got distracted by a car that I had never in my life considered actually driving myself. Actually I had mostly considered the drivers of such cars total asshats.

But before we get into that, let me tell you about my past relationship with turbos. When I was five years old, my mom got a 1986 Subaru XT Coupe Turbo. I remember this car because as far as my little five year old brain could tell, my mom drove a goddamn space ship! It was tiny, it had 4 wheel drive, it was gloss black like Darth Vader's face, and it had a TURBO! Now as a five year old, I didn't get to actually drive that car but I do remember being in the back seat with my brother going to school. I also remember begging my mom to punch the turbo so that I would get flung back in my seat and feel the G's of speed! (The 30 year old version of my mother didn't take much encouragement from my brother and I to max perform that car.)

A drawing I did of my mom's Subaru XT Coupe Turbo. Notice the pop up headlights!

This is how every morning went until I turned 8 and started walking to school.

"Mom! Hit the TURBO!!!!!!"


"HUACKEEEUUUGGHGH" <----this all="" back="" br="" brother="" him.="" in="" is="" me="" my="" next="" of="" over="" seat="" sound="" strapped="" the="" throwing="" tightly="" to="" up="" with="">
Imagine puke visible in the back windows... I am surprised I didn't draw it that way originally.

Either way, my 5-8 year old mornings were filled with the awesomeness of Turbos and the smell of freshly upchucked cheerios, still AWESOME!

Fast forward 10 years. My mom still had the same car and was teaching me to drive with it. By then the turbo was long seized and the little four cylinder was very tired. Very unimpressive as far as a driving experience. I pretty much didn't think anything of turbos. Sort of an ancient oddity but no real value in a car.

Oddly enough, I have realized that I hadn't ever driven a turbo car since the XT Coupe... until just this last weekend.

HOLY MOTHERFUCK! I don't see why everything on the planet doesn't come turbocharged to include underpants and asparagus! Turbos are awesome!

So... this brings us back to modern day Craig's list. The car that I had previously poo-pooed as for asshats was the Porsche 944. Porsches in general, but especially that model. Anyways, I was looking around and I saw a few for sale. For some reason I started reading more and more about them. I really was in the mood for something reasonable in the automotive department. Nothing like driving to work each day across the great plains in sub freezing temperatures on a motorcycle to have you looking at 1995 Sedan DeVilles and 1997 Lincoln Towncars! I started thinking less about 60's cars and started thinking about things like heaters, radios, water tightness... etc. Weak sauce shit I know. As I started thinking about the Porsches I started thinking I could have it all! "It all" being warmth, reliability, speed, and fuel efficiency. Obviously a late eighties Porsche (please pronounce the silent E on the end) was the answer!

I test drove one from craig's list. Holy Christfuck it is fast. I have no doubt it is the fastest car I have ever driven in my life.  (It had some upgrades as it turned out... chips and other go fast items.)

Now I have a 88 Porsche 944 Turbo as my reliable car.

The turbo is insane. The way it works is you drive it around town and it feels pretty much like an 88 ford Escort. (Conveniently I drew one of these in my sketch book when I was 6 as well.) The four cylinders power it around like you are propelled by rabbit farts. Then you put the peddle down and it is like you are being smacked in the back of the head by a cricket bat!

Have you ever plucked a booger out of your nose, and flicked it across the room? Well drive this and you will know what that booger feels like is like in person! ZAPP!



Put it this way, I will now scavenge every turbo out of ever car I find with one in a junkyard ever for life!

I am planning to turbocharge my hot water heater this weekend...

In other news, that cool cat is getting fat really fast. Like, Really FAT! I know that mice are probably very nutritious, but I am starting to think that that hippy dude gave me a pregnant cat!

I am in the midst of teaching Artemis the Cat to use the toilet, because lets face it, litter boxes are basically a gross box of shit. If I spend 2 weeks teaching this cat to shit in the toilet I will have gotten rid of the biggest problem of pet ownership. (Fecal matter for those of you not following well enough to guess what I meant as the biggest problem.)

Anyways... I hope those kittens will be nimble on toilet seats or good swimmers because fuck litter boxes!

Fuck, new personal low! I am blogging about a cat.

I'll redeem myself by demonstrating how cool I was when I was five! Check out this bitch'n bobtail semi tractor! (Must have been on a road trip.)

This is what my six year old self thought driving would be like! Don't mind the backwards nines, look at the smile! I am pretty sure I am driving a Subaru XT Coupe with a missile launcher on the front.

What my parent's house looked like when I was ten years old.

This was actually on the adjacent page about to bomb my house... pictured previously.

A ship passing behind a tree.

Also, I seem to have had a Statue of Liberty fetish when I was 5... I have pages and pages of drawing of her.



This reminds me of the time my buddy Carl taught his bobcat to pee in the human waste recepticle.

Also, you may well have motivated me to turbo up my lesabre.

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